The Dating Season

A friend of mine just asked me for some advice on pictures for a dating app. I gave him what little knowledge I have and thought to write about it here.

As far as the landscape goes, most apps will have you approve several potential love interests, and if they approve you in their bank of potentials, based on some pictures and text-based prompts, you are allowed to communicate directly through message.

The first app that my friend told me he’d embarked upon, ensures that the woman (in a hetero match) is allowed to message first. I recommended some picture changes based on some factors. Firstly, to promote pictures of him doing things and looking interesting, and steering him away from unflattering selfies in low light. Better a half-seen face halfway up a mountain or playing a guitar, than a full-face that does not flatter.

This gets to the crux of what our discussions have been lately - that this profile of yours - and everybody else’s - is to show a version of you. Not all of you.

I do not understand all of the motivations of some of the people I’ve seen on dating apps - or saw before my current relationship. Why is it that some people only choose two pictures? Are they perhaps not real people, for some nefarious purpose? Why do some people only upload their social media username. Do they expect an application and a resumé via message? It’s hard to say. But this only adds to the minefield that we put ourselves in.

My friend is a politically-minded individual and was telling me that profiles labelled ‘apolitical’ or anything other than ‘liberal’ are out as a matter of course. My feelings on this are mixed. I believe that as he and anybody else continues on the apps, their position on these matters loosens. I’m not saying standards drop - that feels unnecessarily judgemental - but the differences look less important. This is a good thing. If you dated a friend of a friend you can’t guarantee their hobbies or interests, nor should it be the case here. I actually think it’s far better to go with the pictures. Does this person seem fun and kind? Then the person behind the profile is worth a conversation. And, if that goes well, it’s worth one date. It’s worth saying I do believe in having some red lines in the search. For example, I readily avoided anybody seen riding a horse on principle.

After twenty-four hours, my friend was ready to quit the dating app. I asked him to give it just two weeks. I really think a conversation with the real person behind the curated profile, and even a half-decent date, can really change one’s mind about dating apps.

My friend happens to be very witty, so I recommended to him an additional app, where users provide prompts in the form of questions, so that potential matches can reply. This - I said to him - is a great opportunity for a funny reply, and an even greater opportunity for pulling your hair out all night trying to think of a funny reply. It’s a slippery slope from here to the most popular dating app here in England. It has a reputation as sordid or shallow that I do not subscribe to - in fact I met my current partner through it. It’s all a numbers game. More profiles, more swipes, more matches. This is in particular for men. Every woman who’s dating profile I’ve ever had the privilege of seeing had suitors coming out of her ears. Every man, otherwise, had very few. Why this is, who can say, but what I point out is that you only need one like, and one match, to find a partner.